Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*