when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
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they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Have a lovely day 😊
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
The three genders
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
need him
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.