Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

🧠

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.