when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
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I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
early stone age tool
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life