when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
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gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon