When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
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[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Not with that attitude
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.