[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

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[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa


Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet


2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah


GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller


Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned


Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*


[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?