[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
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I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Love is in the air fryer.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting