[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.
[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
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HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Literally my professional life
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
S: make the lid a little smaller
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Me: What? *click*
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?