Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.