My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
You Might Also Like
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Rihanna says, “chains & whips excite me.”
I doubt her ancestors felt the same way…
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?