When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

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My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions


This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”


Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!


Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?


Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.


Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book


A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her


Rihanna says, “chains & whips excite me.”

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way…


I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.