@StephenAtHome

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

You Might Also Like

@scorpiusryan21

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

@lovejulieacafe

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

@Lisabug74

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

@Mindless4Miles

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

@AcademicsSay

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

@litfirebird

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

@lalenguafuerte

Rihanna says, “chains & whips excite me.”

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way…

@Contwixt

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.