When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
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Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.