When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.