When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Schrödinger’s cookie
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
#parenting
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
“i am a sweet baby”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
