When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Look, a pure bread cat!
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
