Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.