When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You Might Also Like
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
A short story of betrayal:
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
this article brought to you by lions
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.