Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So the ex texted me

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it