When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!