Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.