“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
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‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.