Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.