When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
One of the best
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
getting corrected
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
