When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My neck, my back, my…
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
