Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

linkedin the good parts

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”