Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

technically true but not a great slogan

Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.