When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
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Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
WHO DID THIS?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.