Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I wish for infinite wishes?

genie: no, you only get 3

me: I wish 3 meant infinite

genie:

me:

genie: *sigh* alright what else?

me: telephones but for dogs.

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.