When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
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I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
the #horror is real!
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he