When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
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BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day