When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
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Grow up never but we old may grow we
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.