When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
You Might Also Like
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Couple goals
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!