When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
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A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…