Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?