When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
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Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.