When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
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[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
That was easy.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
This is a bad sign
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough