Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

rest in peas

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?