When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
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I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.