Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

ㅤ

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that