When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
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You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
*pronounces patio like ratio
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”