When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
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is losing your mind a hobby?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
“We will wed,” I threatened
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Icarus loved hot wings.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother