Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

this made my day 😂

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy