Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.