Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Cat or sheep

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!