I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
#ProTip
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home