When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die