When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
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If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
