When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
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I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.