When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..