When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
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When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear