When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.