Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

They grow up so quick

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.