When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
You Might Also Like
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.