When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
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A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
My Guy
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Not recommended for beginners.
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT