when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
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I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.