when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
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[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.