@ch000ch

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

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@garrydavenport

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

@Elizasoul80

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

@kumailn

I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth.

@WilliamAder

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@freakyenough

X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…

@geowizzacist

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

@daemonic3

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?