when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Planet of the Apps.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.