When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
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Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face