When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
You Might Also Like
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever