When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
You Might Also Like
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle