Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

road rage

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead