When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
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wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
.. do you even science?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I used the label maker
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
inventing words: clothing
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.