Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

Free him

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

Had to try this trend 😊

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.