Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami