Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

British people

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it