Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

new wife guy just dropped

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

Bed should get ready for ME

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.