When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
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DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.