@ChickenFrecklez

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

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@TheHatStore

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

@PhilLaysheO

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

@QwertyJones3

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

@CindyMeakin

I’m just a girl, standing in my kitchen, forgetting what I came in here for.

@Lisabug74

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

@AhmedAllabidy

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

@HehBuddy

I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.

@kodeeezzzy

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”