When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?![]()
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Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.