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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you