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It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now