When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
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talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!