When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
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[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Don’t let your suspicions sneak.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.