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Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.