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Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.