When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Breaking news:
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit