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Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Bootstraps
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
damn he’s good
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs