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I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Important reminders
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW