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Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
No, he would not have.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience