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Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
The answer is funnier than the question
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.